Therapeutic Thoughts
Different is the New Normal
by Mary Ann Macri and Ingrid Nazar on 11/09/11
"It is not our difference that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences" ~ Audre Lorde ~Poet
It has occurred to me lately how wonderfully open and accepting our society is becoming in regards to embracing our differentness. Kids in school are now recognized as learning differently, marriages are now defined in a much broader way and celebraties such as Lady Gaga thrive on the art of reinvention and being somewhat indefinable. I would like to believe that these are all signs that we have entered a new paradigm, one in which I believe we can all become a little bit more ourselves, different, unique and well, not quite normal. What is normal after all except an impossible category or slot to attempt to somehow strive to fit in. How many of us I wonder struggled as kids to "fit in"? How many of us felt somehow...different? Perhaps we were not as different as we may have thought and in fact each and every one of us were all subject to the same doubts, insecurities and fear of authentically being ourselves. This begs then to ask another question, what if we somehow did manage to fit in and what then was the cost, what special part of ourselves as a result remained hidden, secret and ashamed?
By learning to become more open and accepting of the differences of those around us I believe we create a little more space and freedom to be more fully ourselves, without fear or judgement of being too different. Following this path I venture to add, may even lead towards a place of self acceptance and yes perhaps even a love and deeper appreciation of ourselves, all of ourselves which fully includes our quirks, idiosyncracies, strangeness and yes wonderful and exceptional uniqueness that adds to the incredible and interesting fabric of the world we live in. Just writing this somehow already makes me feel a bit freer, less resticted and happier.
Ingrid Nazar
Holistic Psychotherapist
Facing Adversity
by Mary Ann Macri and Ingrid Nazar on 03/30/11
"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are." ~Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha
As I have watched with the world these past weeks the traumatic events unfolding in Japan I can't help but be reminded of a time when a force of nature brought adversity suddenly and unexpectedly into my own life. Although my experience can in no way compare to the extent of loss and devastation that has occured in Japan, I can because of what I went through, deeply empathize with the Japanese people and marvel at the way they face this adversity with such honour and courage. It is interesting to note that the Japanese character for the word crisis is made up of two words, one meaning danger and the other opportunity. Perhaps the Japanese have always known what the new emerging field of positive psychology has recently discovered, which is the innate capacity for human beings to flourish under dire circumstances and that adversity need not always lead to post traumatic stress but in many instances can lead to what has now been coined post-traumatic growth. In actuality research shows that nearly half of the people who experience adversity claim that in some way their lives have improved. In looking back now at my own experience with adversity I can say that this has held true for me as I have acquired qualities, understanding and strengths that I might not have otherwise attained. Eight years ago my children and myself spent the summer as we did every year with my parents at their home on the outskirts of Kelowna B.C. This summer was particularly dry and although forest fires are ever prevalent in the mountains of B.C. this particular summer lightening literally did strike. This lightening bolt struck a single tree and ignited the most destructive fire in Canadian history. We were among 27000 residents evacuated, fleeing single file in vehicles down a mountain side already engulfed in flames. We see natural disasters on the news; in fact we expect to see them there, however rarely do we think that it will ever happen to us. We never really want to entertain the possibility that life can change in an instant and yet it does and of course for us it did. The fire was fickle with the homes it chose to take, skipping one taking another; my parent's home completely incinerated while homes on either side remained remarkably untouched and unscathed. We couldn't help but wonder why us? As if there should be an answer or explanation that would make it all suddenly make sense, satisfy our sense of fairness and allow us to accept and move on. However in reality sometimes there isn't an answer and that in itself is a lesson in learning to let go and an opportunity to turn thoughts inward, soul search and probe deeper into the meaning of our life. The letting go process is never easy but it is essential to moving through adversity, it's kind of like an expression I've heard, that moving through life is like traversing monkey bars, you need to let go of one rung in order to move on to another. So with us it kind of happened like that and then a miraculous thing occurred, we began to see the blessings of what we really did have, and feel the enormous gratitude to those who really came forward to assist in so many ways and even something new and unexpected appeared in my father, he was no longer a man with cancer facing the end of his life, he was a man now with a purpose. I truly believe that the disaster of the fire was in many ways a blessing in disguise and one that I feel extended my father's life in many ways. It wasn't long before hardship for him turned into tribulation as he began furiously drafting the design of his new home, a dream he thought to never realize in his lifetime. This is not to say that for my parents or others who lost their homes that summer, that overcoming adversity was that simple or that they did not have difficult days, feel anger, self pity or depression. Of course they did, in fact it is during times of adversity that this lid we have so carefully sealed over our emotions is especially prone to pop off and adversity acts then as a catalyst for this very necessary cathartic emotional release to occur. So rather than to say that this spirit of tribulation and growth replaces suffering and loss I think is more realistic to suggest that they both co-exist along side of each other and as with most things it becomes a gradual process of unfolding. So I am thankful now in retrospect for the lessons I have learned in the face of adversity and have noticed some subtle yet profound changes that mark the way I now navigate life. I have realized that I don't hold on to much these days and appreciate the fleeting nature of what I do have. I have greater empathy for the suffering of others and feel that I have developed a faith that leads me to believe that everything in life has a place and a purpose. So perhaps in a pleasure seeking world it's worthy to note that sometimes adversity has a place and although we may not recognize it at the time its presence in the experience of life may not be such a bad thing after all. Japanese Proverb "My barn having burned to the ground. I can now see the moon." Ingrid Nazar, Psychotherapist.
Cultivating Curiosity..The Missing Ingredient
by Mary Ann Macri and Ingrid Nazar on 03/02/11
Curiousity may have killed many cats, as frightening a prospect that may be, but it certainly doesn't kill the human spirit!
I have been very curious lately about the impact of cultivating curiousity. I have noticed, not only in my own life, but in the sessions with clients dealing with anxiety and depression, the significant positive effects of infusing an attitude of friendly curiousity (which is one of the attitudes of mindfulness psychology) into their lives. This practice is fundamental to "being in the moment' without judgment, without self-criticism or trepidation. If you have ever had the pleasure of being with a friend or loved one who is genuinely curious about your fears, your dreams, your life view, then you have gleened the majical transformative effect of the attitude of curiousity.
According to Professor Todd Kashdan's recently published research, Curious? Discover The Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life, cultivating curiousity in our everyday lives helps us approach uncertainty and challenge that brings us the longest lasting benefits. When we mistakenly believe that having control and certainty over our cirumstances can keep us happy and safe, it actually stunts our creativity and ability to embrace the newness of life. It has been found that if we practice friendly, non-judgmental curiousity as a fundamental attitutude cultivated in "mindfulness psychology", we can experience life in a more exciting and meaningful way. If this is the case, then, we have to ask ourselves, what happened to our childhood curiosity? Kashan says "we are all born with boundless curiousity, but as we grow older, a battle springs up between 'the anxious mind and the curious spirit'. Our instinct to explore is tempered by our desire to conform." We stop growing, taking on new challenges and putting ourselves in vulnerable positions losing sight of what is meaningful to us in our attempt to keep the uncertain at abeyance. Ellen Langer, Harvard Psychologist, has found that curiousity can transform anxiety. It is also determined that people with the greatest fear of the unknown, those of us who avoid distress and uncertainty tend to be the least open or curious. How then, do we begin to unravel our tightly woven protective layers keeping us from experiencing our authentic selves. It starts with being curious about what it is that creates anxiety, awkwardness or avoidance. Without judgment, observe yourself and begin to recognize these moments and experiment with them with an attitude of friendly curiousity. If you find that speaking to strangers is awkward, then try to initate something really new within you, talk about something that you are passionate about or ask the stranger lots of questions with authentic curiousity to really know this person. You can also try this with your loved ones and friends. Practice seeing your loved ones with a beginners mind, as though you are meeting them for the first time. It will begin to renew your relationships. It's a good starting place. Then ask yourself the same questions. Have fun while you see your life with new eyes. Cultivating curiousity is one of the missing ingredients to a successful and meaningful life. Experiment with this idea and watch your anxiety and need for certainty and control subside.
Please keep me posted, I am genuinely "curious" to hear about your adventures in cultivating curiousity. If you would like to further your mindfulness practices please join us at the Centre Above with individual or group sessions. Thanks for joining me in my curious exploration into this all important ingredient to achieving a meaningful and awe-inspiring life. Mary Ann Macri, Psychotherapist
Happy New Beginnings
by Mary Ann Macri and Ingrid Nazar on 02/07/11
Well we are now well into 2011 and officially in the Chinese Year of the Hare and it makes us ponder and reflect on our own resolutions for the New Year. What a curious concept it is to infuse hope and promises for change into a flip of the calendar. How many resolutions have been earnestly created and left by the wayside to be recaptured the following year? Goals and resolutions are important motivators for change and can instill a sense of accomplishment and excitement into our daily lives. However, we have seen time and time again with clients the unfortunate result of setting unrealistic resolutions bringing about a sense of disappointment and failure when they are unattained. Does change occur when we are motivated and determined or does change occur when we are gentle with ourselves? You may think that nothing happens without sticking to a strict regime and that gentleness doesn't work. Actually, it is quite the opposite when long-term and enduring change is concerned. As humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers said "the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." In accepting ourselves our motivation changes, its no longer about what is wrong with us that could be better it's about what is right and expanding on that. Its a subtle shift in perception but a biggie for when the negative resistance is removed the path is cleared for joyful expansion. And lets be realistic here with our goals, any new change is never strictly a forward moving process, generally its three steps forward and one step back. So being kind, gentle and patient with ourselves blended with realistic expectations allows for those roots to manifest and firmly take hold. So how are our goals for change unfolding? Slowly but surely.
Mary Ann Macri and Ingrid Nazar co-founders of The Centre Above
To learn more about reconnecting to a life of compassionate self understanding check out our education page and our ongoing spiritual and self development classes.
Happy New Year
by Mary Ann Macri and Ingrid Nazar on 01/06/11Beginning in 2011 we are happy to announce our new blog, stayed tuned for our first installment!
